How to Overcome Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is a term that tends to get thrown around pretty casually. Most people experience glimpses of it–they might feel nervous at a party or on a first date, or just feel awkward in certain settings. We all get nervous sometimes, and interacting with others can bring up so much. If you struggle with Social Anxiety Disorder, though, you experience the world in an entirely different way.
If you live with Social Anxiety Disorder, you understand how utterly paralyzing it can be.
Like others, you have moments where you feel nervous or say something awkward. But other times your body is so frozen that your mind cannot conjure up basic words to form a sentence. You’ve consistently had such bad experiences that you’ve started going out of your way to avoid this feeling: you pass on invites, you stop speaking up in meetings, you forgo applying to new jobs for fear of the interview process.
Your life becomes small and contained in order to protect yourself, and new feelings have replaced your anxiety: loneliness, dissatisfaction, understimulation. You aren’t getting what you want out of life. You don’t want to shut everyone and everything out– you just want to feel calm and comfortable.
What can you do about it? Is it possible to overcome Social Anxiety? The short answer is yes. The experience will look different for everyone, because we each have our own unique fears, triggers, social experiences, upbringings, and personalities. But with trial and error, support, and sustained effort, it is absolutely possible to reduce or overcome your social anxiety.
How Can You Tell if You Have Social Anxiety?
Since most people experience moments of social anxiety, awkwardness, or shyness, how can you tell if you have Social Anxiety Disorder? The most straightforward answer: getting a diagnosis from a licensed mental health therapist, especially one who specializes in social anxiety. A therapist will be skilled at differentiating Social Anxiety Disorder from run of the mill shyness, and also from other diagnoses with some symptomatic overlaps (like Autism Spectrum Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, among others).
That said, a key question a practitioner will consider when assessing for Social Anxiety Disorder is whether your symptoms are so overwhelming that they create major barriers to your social and professional functioning.
The diagnostic criteria for Social Anxiety Disorder:
Persistent fear of situations where you’re exposed to new people or possible judgment by others
Exposure to such environments or circumstances provoke overwhelming feelings of anxiety, including (but not necessarily) panic attacks
You are aware that this fear is inflated, or unique from what others may experience
You avoid situations or environments that provoke this anxiety, or endure them with marked anxiety throughout
The avoidance of these situations/environments, or the anxiety provoked by them, is so significant that it impacts your social functioning, academic performance, career, or relationships
This fear and anxiety is a regular part of your life (6 months or longer)
Most people will experience one or more social anxiety symptoms at some point. But do these experiences happen frequently enough that they make it feel impossible to socialize or make friends?
Does it feel hard to reach goals or get ahead professionally because these symptoms impact your confidence and performance? Do you avoid doing things that may benefit your life because your anxiety is so strong?
The Science of Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is commonly thought of as a fear of socializing, but that’s not quite right. While it might feel like a fear of socializing in practice, social anxiety is, at its core, a fear of being judged or rejected. Why does this distinction matter? Understanding the source of the issue helps us treat it. It also helps our self-esteem and confidence to know we’re perfectly capable of socializing, so long as we feel safe and comfortable.
Social anxiety kicks in when we are talking to people who: a) we don’t know very well and therefore may not be safe b) we know to be harsh, critical, or judgmental c) are in a position that makes their opinion of us important (like a boss figure, a date, or an interviewer).
When we are interacting with new people or in new environments, we unconsciously pick up on certain cues that tell us whether we are safe to be ourselves or at risk of being negatively evaluated. These cues signal to our brains how to show up–either we can relax and be ourselves, or we need to be on guard.
If we identify a person or an environment as dangerous, we can go into fight, flight, or freeze mode—a natural survival mechanism our bodies use when faced with a threat. When triggered, our bodies release stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol that prepare us for danger and, as a result, impact our functioning. This can mean racing heart, sweating, quickening breath, a rush of energy and tension in the body, and an impaired ability to think and speak clearly. What this looks like in social anxiety:
Fight mode: instead of physically fighting, you might feel an overwhelming urge to defend yourself against judgment or criticism. This can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, or irritability. It may feel like taking things personally, or reading criticisms that were not actually present.
Flight mode: for someone with social anxiety, this can mean avoiding social situations altogether. You might cancel plans or find ways to get out of uncomfortable situations quickly. The fear of being judged or making a mistake becomes so intense that leaving seems like the only way to escape the anxiety.
Freeze mode: this response is especially common with folks experiencing social anxiety. In situations where you feel overwhelmed, you might become paralyzed by your anxiety. Your mind goes blank and you might struggle to speak or even move. This can leave you feeling trapped in your own body during a social interaction you feel you can't handle.
These reactions are involuntary and stem from the body’s natural desire to protect itself from perceived danger. Even though these responses are meant to keep us safe, they can make social situations even more stressful and unmanageable, creating a cycle of avoidance and self-doubt.
What Causes Social Anxiety Disorder?
Though we’re not entirely certain what causes Social Anxiety Disorder, we do have ideas. Social Anxiety often runs in families, which may suggest a genetic link. Whether or not we are born prone to it, our developmental and environmental circumstances almost certainly determine whether (and to what degree) we’ll develop social anxiety.
Parenting styles, for instance, are known to have an impact on our development. Children raised by parents practicing authoritarian parenting (characterized by strict rules, discipline and yelling, rigid expectations, and limiting autonomy) are more likely to develop low self-esteem and social anxiety than other children. Our parents’ mental health may also play a role: an anxious parent may make their children highly aware of threats, and this awareness may translate into fear in social situations.
Other environmental factors such as trauma and abuse, bullying, and a pattern of rejection or humiliation contribute to social anxiety. It makes sense: growing up in an environment where your actions are watched, judged harshly, and punished will of course lead to a heightened alertness of how others are evaluating you.
So, like many other mental health conditions and personality traits, there is probably some combination of nature and nurture at play.
How is Social Anxiety Treated?
One common misconception among those living with social anxiety is that this is just your personality and there isn’t much to be done about it. Social anxiety is not a personality; it is simply a response to a perceived threat in your environment.
To overcome social anxiety, we must address your heightened response, either through healing and managing it (psychotherapy), or through treating the physiological response (medication). Many people will use a combination of both, though this certainly may not be necessary.
Individual Psychotherapy
Working with a social anxiety therapist is an effective way to overcome social anxiety. You’ll not only get support for its emotional impacts, such as loneliness, shame, and depression, but you’ll work to understand the origin of the disorder and develop skills to manage your symptoms. There are many therapeutic modalities that can help you address social anxiety. A few common treatment styles for overcoming social anxiety:
Exposure Therapy involves gradually and safely exposing you to the social situations you fear. This process, called desensitization, helps reduce anxiety over time as you learn that these situations aren’t dangerous, or that you can handle them. With the guidance of a therapist, this step-by-step approach can lead to major improvements in confidence and social skills.
Psychodynamic Therapy focuses on understanding the deeper emotional roots of social anxiety. This approach encourages you to explore your thoughts, feelings, and past relationships to uncover patterns that contribute to your current anxiety. This deeper understanding can lead to resolution, allowing for more meaningful change in your social interactions and relationships.
Parts Work Therapy is drawn from the idea that our minds are made up of different ‘parts’ or sub-personalities, each with its own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Different environments bring up different parts of yourself: you may be your calm, grounded self with a friend, but a nervous, quiet part of yourself around a colleague. Parts work helps identify and heal the inner beliefs that make us feel nervous and self-conscious around others.
Your therapist may use a combination of these (and other) therapeutic approaches to help you overcome your social anxiety. For example, I often use parts work or psychodynamic therapy to produce longer term healing, while using exposure therapy to build confidence week by week. You should talk to a potential therapist about how they approach treatment during your initial consultation.
Medication
For some, medication can be an essential part of managing social anxiety. Antidepressants, particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), are commonly prescribed to help alleviate symptoms. SSRIs help by increasing serotonin levels in the brain, which can improve mood and reduce anxiety. This can make it easier for you to manage fear and discomfort in social situations.
Additionally, beta-blockers can be effective for those who experience physical symptoms of anxiety, such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, and trembling. These medications work by blocking the effects of adrenaline, which can help calm the body's physical response to anxiety-provoking situations, making them useful for specific events like public speaking or social gatherings.
Be sure to work closely with a healthcare provider to determine the best options for your specific needs and circumstances, as medication may be most effective when combined with therapy.
What if You’re Too Anxious for Social Anxiety Therapy?
First, just know this is a common question and hurdle in getting care for Social Anxiety Disorder. If talking to new people is your trigger, of course you might feel overwhelmed by the idea of calling a therapist, scheduling a session, and spending an hour as the focal point of a conversation.
So how can you get past this hurdle? Remember that social anxiety is, at its core, a fear of being negatively judged. Therapists are uniquely safe in this regard: we are trained to approach clients (and in turn, people!) with curiosity and unconditional positive regard. Simply put: your therapist is going to be the least judgmental person you know. We are here to help you feel safe.
In therapy, there is no such thing as talking too much or too little, saying the wrong thing, or not being interesting or smart enough. Nothing you say will be weird or shocking, either; whatever you’re worried we’ll judge you for, just know we’ve heard it and we understand it. We’ve probably even experienced it ourselves.
Tips for feeling more comfortable starting social anxiety therapy:
Do your research Spend some time searching for therapists who specialize in Social Anxiety Disorder. Read their websites to get a better sense of who they are, how they practice, and the knowledge and perspectives they bring to therapy. Pay attention to your body’s response: does the way they write or speak about these issues put you at ease? Chances are, they’ll be able to do that in session as well.
Use the consultation call Most therapists offer a brief consultation call to give you a sense of their style and make sure it’s a good fit. For someone with social anxiety, it helps to pay extra attention to how it feels talking to them. Do your nerves subside a bit by the end? Do they sound warm and comforting? Can you see yourself eventually opening up in their presence? If not, you never need to speak to them again!
…or don’t! Phone calls can be a big trigger, and you may feel more comfortable just getting started with the first session. When you send your initial email, ask if you can forgo the consultation and schedule a session. You may still have initial jitters during that session, but there will be enough time and space for the therapist to help you get grounded.
Let them know you’re anxious You can share as much as you need to in that first email or consultation call. This might include that you’ve been nervous about starting therapy. Setting the expectation may help you take pressure off yourself, and it will indicate to the therapist that they should take extra care to make sure you’re at ease before diving in.
Ask yourself how you can lower the stakes until you get comfortable If you need to spend the first session telling your new therapist about your dog or a TV show you’re into, do it! The first few sessions should be about you getting comfortable enough to do the work of therapy, and that involves building a relationship with your therapist. And know that you can continually ask for support and strategies to practice in session together to make things easier.
If You’re Not Ready to See A Social Anxiety Therapist
You may not be ready for therapy, and that’s okay! It’s possible to develop skills to help improve your symptoms. Here are a few ideas for what might be helpful in your work to overcome social anxiety:
Try a support group Support groups offer a safe space to share feelings and challenges while learning from others in the same boat. A group focused on social anxiety will offer a unique opportunity to practice social skills in a nonjudgmental space. People often find that a support group helps them feel less alone.
Gain confidence by working on social skills Social anxiety can trick us into thinking socializing is a performance instead of a chance to connect. Start by making that shift and approaching conversations as an opportunity to learn about someone new. Focus on getting curious about the person you’re talking to. Being an interested listener is an excellent starting point to connection, and it will allow you to take a breath and get grounded if you feel anxious. Identify a few topics you feel comfortable talking about ahead of time for when someone asks you about yourself.
Take baby steps to increase your comfort Try to identify a few low-stakes environments where you can practice. This can be any situation where the consequences of “messing up” would be minor, such as talking to someone you’ll never see again. Identify one small, manageable way you can gently push yourself, like telling a barista you like her nails. Afterward, celebrate your courage and remind yourself that this is what growth looks like. The more opportunities you give yourself to withstand discomfort, the more your comfort zone will grow.
Incorporate mindfulness practices Relaxation techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or yoga can help reduce overall anxiety and improve emotional regulation. These practices can help deactivate the fight/flight/freeze response that makes it so difficult to communicate in stressful situations. Finding a regular practice that fits into your life will not only help you manage your symptoms, but will also serve as a form of self-care and improve your overall mental health.
Remember: discomfort is just a feeling! Anxiety tricks our brains into thinking we’re in danger, when really we’re just very uncomfortable. Consistently reminding yourself that discomfort is a passing feeling–one that you will survive–will make it easier to try new things. A helpful trick is to check in with yourself after trying something scary and notice the discomfort slowly fading away.
Tips for Finding a Social Anxiety Therapist
If you are feeling ready to overcome your social anxiety in therapy, it is important to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with. Here are a few tips for finding a good therapist:
Google (“Social anxiety therapist near me” or “Social Anxiety therapist in [your city or state]”)
Psychology Today Directory
Mental Health Match Directory
Ask your primary care doctor or psychiatrist for recommendations
If you’re specifically looking for a social anxiety therapist in Michigan, I’m accepting new clients and I’d be so happy to chat. You can request a consultation (or not! see above!) via the link below.
