8 Tips for Managing Dating Anxiety
Dating today feels more complex than ever. More people are meeting on dating apps, for better or worse. Social media has normalized lingo like ‘breadcrumbing’, ‘love bombing’, and ‘benching’. The landscape feels tricky, and can make it even harder for you if you have dating anxiety.
Where does dating anxiety come from? Is there anything you can do to overcome the deep anxiety you feel about going on dates? How will you know it’s time to see a therapist to address these feelings? Below, we’ll get into a few considerations that will help get you closer to feeling a sense of calm, even excitement, around dating.
Dating Anxiety
Does this sound familiar? Someone you like asked you out, you feel briefly excited, then suddenly filled with dread. They like you! Super exciting, and, of course, terrifying. This means you have to go on a date, which triggers all kinds of anxiety. You spend the days leading up to the date feeling sick with worry. All your insecurities feel top of mind and you start to worry they’ll notice all the things that don’t feel good enough.
Your nerves continue to grow and you start thinking of excuses to cancel. On the day of the date, you feel so anxious you can barely eat. You know you’ll feel even more anxious when you arrive. Instead of having fun and getting to know your date, you’ll be so focused on whether they’re bored or regret coming out. Everything you dislike about yourself feels so visible and you just want to hide.
After the date, you’re full of regret and shame. You wish you could just be yourself: the version of you who your best friends know and love. But your dating anxiety makes this part of you totally inaccessible on an early date. It doesn’t help that the stakes feel so high because you’d love to find a partner.
This experience can turn into a cycle: you get anxious during a date, it doesn’t go well, and your anxiety is proven correct.
You just really want to relax so you be yourself and, ideally, even enjoy dating. The good news: it is possible to break this cycle with some intentional work on ourselves. It can also be useful to incorporate a few new strategies to help put you at ease as you’re working through your dating anxiety.
Why Do You Experience Dating Anxiety?
You may know people who date with ease, or even really enjoy it. They always seem to have a date lined up and reflect on their fun experiences getting to know people. This is a stark contrast to your experience, and it might be hard to understand.
Why does it seem that some people have a blast dating? They may bring a certain confidence that comes from a positive dating history, healthy self-esteem, or an ease with socializing. It is so much easier to date when you feel great about yourself, inherently trust others, and feel at ease around new people.
A few common causes of dating anxiety:
Self-esteem
Questions about your self worth will make dating more difficult. If you feel insecure about some part of yourself, such as your looks or personality, you’ll naturally be worried others will notice as well. Meeting new people holds the risk of these qualities being exposed and negatively judged.
Going into a date feeling as if you need to hide parts of yourself in order to be liked can feel so risky. You have to work hard to present this ‘perfect’, very limited, version of yourself to ensure your date will like you. It is impossible to relax when you’re in this place, so of course you’ll feel anxious!
Relationship History
If you have a painful relationship history, you will naturally feel anxious in a dating environment. A history of difficult breakups, infidelity, or even abuse, may make you uneasy about trusting someone new.
Your history influences dating even if you’ve never been in a relationship. Experiences with parents, friends, and siblings teach us how to feel around others. If those relationships have caused any anxiety or self-doubt, we can expect this to carry over into dating. Similarly, having been single a while may bring up feelings of rejection or unworthiness that can make dating feel scary.
Attachment Style
According to Attachment Theory, we each fall into one of three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, or avoidant. Attachment styles are determined by early experiences with caretakers and determine the way we show up in our relationships. A secure attachment style means feeling calm and safe in your relationships.
An anxious attachment style is marked by worries about rejection and abandonment, which can cause distress in relationships. An avoidant attachment style involves concerns about getting too close to others and resulting in a tendency to pull away. Naturally, bringing either experience to dating will cause all kinds of discomfort. (Note: Attachment styles can be healed or managed through consistent work, so don’t be discouraged!)
Social Anxiety
If you live with social anxiety, then dating probably feels similar other socializing (which is to say: terrifying). Social anxiety carries with it a catch-22: you’re so afraid of social interactions that you clam up, making it impossible to have a successful interaction. You go on dates knowing it will go poorly because you’ll never relax enough to be your interesting, charming self.
It feels pointless to try–how could anyone like you if you barely talk all night? You might wonder why you’d put yourself through such intense anxiety for two hours when you don’t even expect it to lead anywhere (except, perhaps, feelings of shame).
Eight Tips for Managing dating anxiety
Regardless of the origin of your dating anxiety, there are ways to manage your anxious feelings before, during, and after a date. Each person may need something different, but these strategies can create a grounding effect.
Try to get to know your date a bit first. Whether you’re using an app for online dating or meeting people in real life, try to communicate a little before going on a date. You won’t be able to learn everything about their character before you meet them, but pay attention to how they show up early on. Do they seem friendly and engaged? Respectful? Are they making an effort? Exclude anyone who seems self-absorbed, rude, or disengaged. It will increase the chances that the people you do go out with will be kind, regardless of the date’s outcome.
Start small. If dating makes you anxious, then committing to dinner for a first date will be overwhelming. You can start smaller by suggesting a low-investment date, like coffee. A coffee date can last under an hour if you’re feeling uncomfortable. You can even create a hard stop by letting your date know you have something planned after (“I have plans at 3, but 1pm coffee would be perfect”). This removes any ambiguity about when to end the date, and gives you an out if you need to take a breath. If you happen to have a great time, you can schedule another date!
Create a confidence boost before your date. Check in with your friends ahead of the date and ask for a pep talk. Use their kind words as a reminder that, regardless of how your date goes, you have wonderful people in your life. Your loved ones were drawn to you for a great reason: you are so loveable, regardless of relationship status. Try to bring this knowledge and confidence into your date with you.
Adjust your outlook. Sometimes, our anxiety can trick us into believing the person we’re going on a date with will be judgmental, critical, or deceptive. Ahead of your date, try this exercise: imagine that your date is friendly, considerate, and honest. Maybe they’re just as nervous as you are, and they are hoping you’ll like them. Maybe they will be comforted by your warm presence, or the awkward joke you tell. Try to imagine that your date will be just as human as you are, because (spoiler!) they will be.
Lower the pressure. Dating often feels like a mission to get the other person to like you. The stakes couldn’t feel higher: you have to perform well, show this person your best qualities, and convince them you’re great. See if it’s possible to shift your goal to simply getting to know another person. Try going into your date with curiosity. Who is this person? How do they like spending their time? What excites them? Focus on deciding whether you’d like to keep getting to know them. It can be that simple.
Plan something for yourself. Mark time in your schedule after your date to do something restorative. Get lunch with friends who make you feel comfortable. Watch your favorite movie and order takeout. Take your dog for a long walk. Call your sister. Whatever helps you feel calm, secure, and comforted. When you notice anxiety creeping up on your date, you can remind yourself that you’ll be in your pajamas with your favorite food in just an hour. This can help you feel grounded on your date.
Practice. This might seem scary, but the more you date, the easier it will start to feel. The less we do something, the more anxious it makes us feel. Going on dates more often shows us that 1. We’re capable of managing uncomfortable situations and 2. Maybe they aren’t that bad, after all? If you can shift your perspective (see point 5!) and see dating as a chance to get to know someone, going on more dates seems reasonable. Plus, if a date isn’t going well, you can remind yourself that this is great practice.
Give yourself perspective. Whatever insecurity you are dealing with, please remember: all kinds of people find partners. People of all shapes and sizes, people who are shy or who talk a lot, who are charming or awkward–no set of qualities guarantees you, or precludes you from meeting someone great. The best people for you will appreciate what you think of as flaws or quirks, and you’ll appreciate theirs. Dating is about connection, and you have everything you need to connect with others.
Therapy for Dating Anxiety
You should never feel like you need to endure intense anxiety or discomfort in order to find a relationship. So, how can you tell if it’s time to see a therapist for dating anxiety?
Chances are, if you experience a pattern of dating or relationship anxiety, there is some deep, underlying reason. Relational anxiety often stems from some painful wound or trauma in your past that you’re unconsciously waiting to repeat.
Here’s an exercise that may help you get a bit closer to the underlying feelings. Ask yourself the following questions, and really pause to allow yourself to to reflect on your answer:
What are you afraid might happen if you try dating?
If that happened, what are some of the feelings you might experience?
What beliefs about yourself would this experience trigger?
Let’s illustrate with an example:
Q: What are you afraid might happen if you go on a date with someone new?
A: I might do or say something wrong, they won’t be attracted to me, and they won’t want to see me again.
Q: If the date doesn’t go well and they don’t want to see you again, what are some of the feelings you might experience?
A: I’ll feel rejected, which makes me feel ashamed, insecure, and worried about the future.
Q: What beliefs about yourself would this experience trigger?
A: I worry it means that there is something wrong with me that makes me hard to love. I worry that it’s only a matter of time until people see all my flaws and decide I’m not worth it.
Understanding the source of your dating anxiety will make it so much easier to address.
If you’ve noticed this pattern in your life, a dating and relationship therapist can be a great resource in overcoming it. You’ll learn what fuels your dating anxiety, which will make it possible to heal it. You’ll also learn more tools to turn down the temperature of your anxiety so you don’t have to dread interactions that can otherwise feel exciting.
If you are looking for a dating therapist in Michigan, you can fill out the contact form in the link below to schedule a consultation call. I look forward to getting started!
