10 Signs of an Anxious Attachment Style
People have been feeling increasingly anxious in their relationships in recent years. Today’s dating landscape is rife with anxiety triggers, and it can feel hard to find a sense of security. Many have turned to Attachment Theory, a therapeutic framework focused on bonding and relationship patterns, to make sense of their dating lives. As a result, many have personally identified with the idea of anxious attachment.
Whether you’re dating, single, or married, learning about your attachment style (and your partner’s) can help you better understand yourself and improve your relationships.
How can you tell if you’re anxiously attached? What does it actually look like? When will you know whether it would be helpful to talk to an anxious attachment therapist to improve your relationships? There are a few common themes and experiences that can help you recognize anxious attachment.
What is an Anxious Attachment Style?
Attachment styles describe our patterns around how we show up in relationships. As it sounds, an anxious attachment style is characterized by feelings of insecurity in dating and relationships. People prone to an anxious attachment style tend to fear abandonment and rejection in romantic relationships. In response to these fears, someone who is anxiously attached has a strong–sometimes overwhelming–desire for closeness with their partner.
Attachment styles are developed in response relationship experiences we have, especially early in life. Inconsistency from our caregivers–so, moments of affection mixed in with anger or dismissiveness–naturally create an expectation of confusion and unmet needs in relationships. Other relational experiences like bullying, painful breakups, ghosting, etc, can also contribute to an anxious attachment style.
An anxious attachment style can lead to difficulty in dating and relationships. On top of the anxiety you experience in your relationships, the behaviors you might use to combat that anxiety may lead to feelings of disconnection between you and your partner. Identifying your anxious attachment style and working to heal it can lead to healthier and more satisfying relationships.
10 Signs You Have an Anxious Attachment Style
You’re focused on being liked. When you go on a date, it is natural to hope you both feel a connection and like one another. If you’re experiencing anxious attachment, though, you’re likely to focus almost entirely on whether or not your date likes you. Instead of getting to know your date and building a natural connection, you’re stuck in performance mode, trying to prove how interesting, smart, worthy you are. In addition to being exhausting, this behavior makes it much harder to identify a good partner.
You prioritize others’ needs above your own. We often refer to this tendency as people-pleasing, and it can happen in any kind of relationship (romantic, platonic, familial). People-pleasing can make you feel like you’re laid back and agreeable, but it is actually rooted in anxiety. At the core of people-pleasing is a fear that if you are not constantly giving, or being an easy partner, then you won’t be worth the effort. Passive as it may seem, people-pleasing gives an anxiously attached person a false sense of control if they are worried about abandonment.
You cancel plans to be readily available. If you’re dating someone or in a relationship, you may feel tempted to drop your own plans to be more available to them. Repeatedly cancelling plans or bypassing your priorities for another person signifies that you, on some level, fear what will happen if you aren’t always available. Will you go days before seeing them? Will they stop asking? Will they ask someone else? These anxious thoughts make it too uncomfortable to prioritize yourself.
You seek reassurance often. It might be comforting to hear that you are loved and valued by your partner, but once enough time passes, doubt starts to creep in again. Do they still feel that way a day later? Or three? This doubt leads you to continually check in with your partner to ask directly how they feel, or possibly hint that you’d like to hear it. This can create an endless cycle that, in and of itself, might cause anxiety for you.
You read into everything they do/say. Similar to point four, you are always scanning your partner for clues that they care. You read into text messages, pick apart facial expressions, and evaluate the cadence of communication. In addition to seeking reassurance directly from your partner, you are looking for unspoken clues that everything is okay (or not) in your relationship.
You’re afraid to set boundaries. Boundaries are a healthy part of relationships, but they can be hard for some people to set and maintain. If setting boundaries brings up anxiety most of the time, or if you feel unable to do so altogether, it may point to a deeper insecurity in the relationship. We often cope with relationship anxiety by trying to make the relationship as seamless as possible for our partner, and setting boundaries can feel in opposition to that.
You’re quick to forgive. When your partner does something hurtful, you might notice that your priority is avoiding or resolving conflict as quickly as possible. This isn’t inherently a bad thing; conflict resolution is something that couples should learn to navigate in a healthy way. It may start to feel harmful, however, if you routinely push down your feelings instead of communicating them. This may be a sign that you are avoiding holding your partner accountable because the brief disconnection is too distressing.
You have a history of painful relationships. History may repeat itself in a painful way in your relationships. Why? We’re wired to look for what feels familiar: if you didn’t have your needs met in early relationships, your brain is seeking that out in adult relationships. You feel comfortable in this familiar territory and it is easy to confuse that comfort with connection, even if it is painful.
You often feel shame after expressing yourself. You experience a cycle of trying to hold your feelings in to avoid being ‘difficult’, then eventually letting it all out when it builds up. After the fact, you feel a sense of shame around being ‘too much’ or burdening your partner. This might bring up some anxiety that this will scare your partner away.
You routinely worry your relationship is ending. Since you’re so perceptive about how things are going in your relationship, you’re bound to find ‘evidence’ that your relationship is ending. You may be sensitive to a slight uptick in disagreements, a change in routine, new friends your partner has, and any other minor changes. Anxiety leads us to imagine that an unpredictable path will bring us to an outcome we fear.
If many or most of these experiences resonated with you, you might have an anxious attachment style. The good news:
Knowing the source of your relationship issues is the first step in resolving them
Attachment styles are not set in stone; while we may be prone to a specific relational experience, intentional work on our attachment history can create healing and security in our relationships.
If you’re in Michigan and you’d like to start working with an anxious attachment therapist, click the link below to get started. We’ll begin with a brief consultation to make sure we’re a good fit to work together.
