Living with Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is often hard to spot. Many people experiencing emotional abuse don’t realize they are–partly because of how confusing it feels, and partly by design. An abuser utilizes specific tactics to make their partner questions their own lived experiences.

Emotional abuse can be easy to explain away with thoughts like:

“It just feels toxic sometimes”

“We fight a lot but we really love each other”

“They just get really anxious if they don’t know where I am”

“They are just really stressed right now”

Without being able to recognize what you’re experiencing, it is much harder to leave an emotionally abusive relationship.

I often find it helpful to seek out examples in art (books, television, movies) to share with therapy clients who are going through something that is hard to define. Along those lines, I thought it would be helpful to unpack one depiction of emotional abuse that rang very true: the film “Alice, Darling.”

The film’s star, Anna Kendrick, has used promotion for the film to discuss her own experience with emotional abuse, and how hard it was to identify it at the time. It took support and even hindsight for her to fully grasp what had happened to her. This is so, so common, and I hope that unpacking this fictionalized depiction may create space for recognition. 

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is often held out as distinct and less severe than physical abuse. Studies show that, in fact, emotional abuse can cause as much psychological harm and trauma as physical violence in a relationship. 

Like physical abuse, emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviors utilized by one partner in a relationship to maintain control over the other. The tactics used in emotional abuse create fear, confusion, and limiting freedom in order to create a power imbalance. 

Common emotional abuse tactics:

Financial abuse: This occurs when one partner has total control over the money in a relationship. Examples include: not giving you access to money that you or they have earned, making all the financial decisions, making you ask for money, and controlling how and when you spend money. Since we need money to function in society, controlling the money means controlling where a person goes, who they see, and which opportunities they have access to.

Possessiveness: Most of us are prone to moments of jealousy here and there, but a pattern of possessiveness is a sign of abuse. Possessiveness is what it sounds like: a feeling of ownership toward a partner. Possessiveness can look like a partner controlling who talks to you, how you dress around others, and generally how you interact in the world. The underlying feeling is that certain (or all) parts of you exist just for your partner, and other relationships pose a threat. 

Isolation: An emotionally abusive partner will often isolate you from your closest friends and family members. They might do this by causing rifts, planting seeds that your loved ones are harmful to you/the relationship, or having a strong negative reaction when you spend time with them. Isolation is an integral part of abuse, because we’re at our most vulnerable when our support systems are limited and we must rely on our abuser for love and support. 

Guilt Tripping: Playing the victim and causing a partner to feel guilty for normal, healthy behaviors is a form of manipulation. Making a partner believe that their actions routinely cause significant harm is a tactic intended to get that partner to change “undesirable” behaviors to avoid feeling guilty or fighting. In the long run, the partner may start to self-moderate in order to be sure they aren’t upsetting their partner. 

Silent Treatment: Withdrawing affection and communication in a relationship can cause pain and anxiety for a partner. It feels isolating and confusing, and can cause a partner to feel unwanted or unloved. It may lead them to wonder what they did to deserve that treatment and to placate their partner to make amends quickly. Utilizing silent treatment to emotionally harm a partner or to provoke a specific response from them (such an apology or correction of behavior) is a form of control in a relationship. 

Verbal denigration: Name calling, insults, and otherwise harsh, critical language is a harmful pattern in a relationship. Consistently being put down can lead to low self-esteem and depression in a partner. Over time, they may feel less comfortable trying new things, meeting up with friends, or even going out in public due to feelings of shame and insecurity. 

Emotional outbursts: An emotional outburst often looks like shouting, throwing things, slamming doors, or other explosive behavior. This is a form of intimidation: even if they are not causing physical harm in the moment, their volatility feels violent and uncontrollable. It can feel unsafe to be around someone when they are in this place, especially if you are the focal point. 

Sexual coercion/assault: Sexual coercion is when a person feels emotionally forced into unwanted sexual activity. This can mean persistent pressure, guilt-tripping, or hostility when a partner says no. Unwanted sexual activity creates feelings of fear and lack of control over their own body.  Sexual coercion is uniquely harmful in that the abused partner often feels responsible, as the illusion of consent is often present. It is important to note: we cannot consent to sexual activity when fear or pressure are present. If you’ve experienced sexual coercion, please know it was not your fault. 

What Does Emotional Abuse Feel Like?

Now that we’ve established what emotional abuse can look like on paper, what does it actually feel like as a lived experience? The film “Alice, Darling” is such a spot on encapsulation of the experience of emotional abuse: confusing, painful at times and seemingly loving at others, a whole lot of anxiety without understanding the source, and a life that feels very restricted.

A brief synopsis of the film (includes spoilers): Alice lives with her boyfriend, Simon, a handsome, charming, and successful man. Their relationship, though, is the source of a great deal of anxiety for Alice. 

At the start of the film, Alice covertly plans a trip away with childhood friends who she has grown apart from in recent years. Over the course of the trip, conflicts emerge between the friends, and it becomes clear how different Alice has become from the person her friends once knew. 

During the course of the film, tension and anxiety rise for Alice as she receives messages from Simon with escalating urgency. He ultimately asks her to come home early, and when she tells her friends, the truth about the nature of her relationship with Simon begins to emerge. In the next few days, she slowly reveals more about what she has been going through as her friends listen supportively and help her find a way forward. 

At the pinnacle of the film, Simon crashes the getaway for a final, tense evening. Alice, feeling frozen and trapped, plans to depart with Simon the next day, until her friends intervene. 

The Lived Experience of Emotional Abuse

There were so many subtle and not-so-subtle moments that perfectly depicted the experience of abuse. Here are a few that stood out: 

Practicing her story: Early in the film, we see Alice practicing a story she’ll give her boyfriend about why she is going away for a few days. She plans to tell him it is a work trip, and she rehearses this lie a few times to make it feel natural. This scene conveys the anxiety she experiences about the confrontation. It also reveals that Alice feels the need to lie to her partner about an innocent trip away with friends, alluding to a pattern of possessiveness and control. 

Compulsory sexting: A few times throughout the film, we see Alice take pictures of herself in various states of undress and send them to Simon. We see later that Simon texts asking for a photo, and Alice drops everything to comply. This causes stress and discomfort for Alice, who is often rushing to a public bathroom to be able to take a photo. The pattern is a form of sexual coercion: whether or not Simon’s texts seem threatening in nature, history tells Alice the consequences of not complying. When a system of fear → compliance has been established, a perpetrator of abuse no longer needs to use emotional or physical force. 

Alert behavior around her partner: When Alice is with Simon, we see how she reads his facial expressions for signs of his mood and walks on eggshells to avoid setting him off. Her experience of the relationship is one of survival: keeping Simon happy is the only way she can feel safe. We also see how appeasing and comforting she is. This pattern is rooted in fear and leaves no space in the relationship for her needs or individuality. 

Subdued Personality: During an early scene in the film, we see Alice at dinner with her friends. Her friends are being playful and having a good time while Alice seems rigid and subdued. We sense anxiety in the moment, but it also becomes clear that her friends have come to expect this subdued version of Alice. This makes sense: consistent exposure to a controlling environment can lead us to shrink ourselves as a survival response. Even when we are with other people, it is hard to return to a feeling of being safe and relaxed. 

Isolation: Simon makes a few remarks about how Alice’s friends are bad influences on her. When she goes on her trip, he asks her to come home early. When he finds out she is in fact with her friends and not on a work trip, he shows up unexpectedly. His controlling behavior has contributed to and exacerbated Alice’s isolation from her supportive loved ones. Over time, this pattern can make a person more dependent on an abusive partner: if they do leave, they believe they’ll have nobody. 

Hair Pulling: Throughout the film, we see Alice pulling her hair out in moments when she feels overwhelmed. Hair pulling (or trichotillomania) is a stress response related to anxiety and often trauma. These moments in the movie exhibit how the anxiety of her daily life impacts Alice’s mental and physical health. When someone experiences sustained trauma and abuse, our bodies respond in other ways as well, including chronic illness, hair loss, weight loss/gain. Alice also seems to experience some form of disordered eating and body image issues, which often come up for survivors of abuse. 

Desperation: We see many moments in Alice’s story where she responds to a situation with panic and desperation. When Simon asks her to return home, she immediately responds that she will, despite knowing it will hurt her friends. When her friends question her, she lashes out at them. Later, she loses an earring Simon gave her in a lake while swimming with her friend. We see the panic set in as she dives under water to try to find it–she is beside herself with fear of what may happen if she returns home without it. Even though Simon is not present, the fear he has created within Alice has control over her. 

Loss of confidence: Alice reaches a breaking point and starts to confide in her friends about the abuse. As they provide emotional support and community, Alice begins to relax and act more like her true self. When Simon shows up, though, her friends watch as she crawls back into her subdued shell. She is stiff and self-conscious, questioning herself out loud in front of Simon. When he insists they depart the next morning, she gets in the car to leave with him, despite not wanting to. It seems that she has lost her ability to speak up and act for herself. This is such a common form of coping and self-protection for survivors. Even if you know you are capable, your brain and body compel you to comply with your abuser in order to stay safe. 

Ultimately, Alice’s friends intervene and confront Simon before they get away. It is a fraught (and possibly dangerous) moment for Alice, but seeing the protectiveness of her friends gives her the safety and strength to walk away. While it may not always realistically happen so quickly in real life, this was such a true example of what it often takes to leave an abusive situation: community. We need our support system–even if it is just one person or one resource– to remind us that we have options. 

What can you do if you are experiencing abuse?

If you are experiencing emotional abuse, there are a few steps you can take to protect your safety and regain your sense of self. 

Create a safety plan 
Whether or not the abuse has turned physically violent, it is wise to create a plan to keep yourself safe. You can create an emotional safety plan that will help you recover from incidents of emotional abuse, and a physical safety plan for when you feel physically unsafe. A safety plan helps you think ahead about what to do if things escalate so that you are prepared in the moment. 

Activate your support system
As we saw in the film, Alice found strength in reconnecting with old friends she had shut out. If confiding in a friend or family member about the abuse seems scary, start by just engaging socially more often. This could be in-person get-togethers, calls or texts, or any kind of contact that feels safe. This will remind you that you have support and love in your life. 

Engage in therapy
A therapist specializing in abuse can help you identify the abuse, regain your sense of self, and cope with the trauma of the abuse. You can also work with your therapist to identify the best next steps for you and to harness the courage to move forward. A therapist can also be a great resource if you don’t know where to start in finding a support system. 

Prepare for what’s next
What do you want your life to look like? Where would you like to live? Which hobbies might you pursue if you weren’t nervous about your partner’s response? Which relationships? In order to feel hopeful about what’s next, you should spend some time imagining what your life could look like if you had total freedom. Knowing what you’re working toward can also give you the drive to move toward it. 

Make an exit plan
The idea of leaving can feel overwhelming or even dangerous. Work with a loved one or therapist to make an exit plan. Identify ahead of time how you can financially prepare and where you can stay (temporarily or longterm). An exit plan will also take into account what safety precautions you may need, such as leaving when your partner isn’t home, opening a new bank account, or staying with a friend your partner doesn’t know. 

If you’re in danger or need immediate support, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website for 24/7 call, text, or chat support. The website also makes it easy to look up local resources to assist with financial, legal, or mental health needs. 

Are you in need of a therapist specializing in emotional abuse in Michigan? Fill out the brief form here and I’ll get in touch to schedule a free consultation to discuss working together.